Blonde in a Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Crap in the Carburetor

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Blind Dog

Two blondes are walking down the road, when one says, "Look at that dog with no eyes!" The other blonde covers her eyes and says, "Where?"

Overweight Blonde

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Pearly Gates

A blonde, brunette and redhead passed away in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates and they are told they will be told a joke every 10 steps and they must make it up 100 steps. If they laugh they will not able to get in. The brunette went up 30 steps and laughed. The redhead went up 50 steps and laughed. The blonde got up all the way to the top and then started laughing hysterically. When asked "Why did you laugh when you got to the top?" The blonde replied, "I just got the first joke!"

Blonde Stuck In Car

This blonde walked into a party store and asked the cashier if he had a hanger or something to unlock her car because she locked her keys in the car. He nodded and handed her a hanger. She thanked him and went outside to set to work. A little while later the cashier decided to check on her and saw her working at it and another blonde in the car was saying "a little to the left...no, a little to the right..."

Blonde Inventions

1.Solar-powered flashlight
2.Fire proof matches
3.Inflatable dartboard
4.Glass hammer
5.Black light bulb
6.Boomerang grenade

Blonde Phone Call

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her "What happened?" She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?" "The person called back."

There once was a blonde...

There once was a blonde...

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.

She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'

She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.

If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

She studied for a blood test... and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.

She sold the car for gas money.

Blonde and Sheepherd

A blonde decides to dye her hair as she is sick of all the blonde jokes people tell. A few days later she is driving in the country and she sees a flock of sheep and a sheepherder. She asks the sheepherd, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock can I have one?" The sheepherd agrees. "467." the blonde says. "Wow!" says the sheepherd, and she goes to take one. The sheepherd watches her, and then says, " If I can guess the real colour of your hair,can I have my dog back?" 

Stuck Out Of a Car

Two blondes have locked themselves out of a car and are trying to get in. "I can't get the door to open!" says the one. "Hurry." says the other, "its about to rain and the top is down."

Magic Mirror

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

Call For Help

Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out. After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others "I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together." The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly "Together, together, together."

Give Him Another Chance

A large group of blondes get together to show the world that they aren't stupid. They challenge passersby to ask any question and they would answer. A man watching called one of the blondes, "Hey, you, what's the capital of Russia." "Beijing?" the blonde replies meekly. Give him another chance, give him another chance. The other blondes chant."What is the largest mountain in the world?" the man asks. "Kilimanjaro?" the blonde replies. "Give him another chance, give him another chance" the blondes chant. "Okay, one more." says the man. "What is 1 plus 1?" "2" the blonde replies. "Give him another chance, give him another chance." the blondes chant again.

Blonde painting the House

A blonde decides to impress her husband by painting the house while he's out. He returns to find his wife painting the walls while wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm painting the house to show you that blondes aren't stupid." "But why are you wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat?" She replies, "On the tin of paint, it said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 5th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that thing on your knee."

Blonde in an Aeroplane

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss. "I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

Blonde year

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

Blonde Painting a Porch

A blonde walks up to a man standing in his back garden and asks for food. He replies, "I have worked hard all my life to earn money to buy food and do not believe in giving people something for nothing. Paint my porch green and I will give you food." The blonde agrees and goes round the front. She returns two hours later. "I painted it," she says to the man, "but there is something you should know. Its a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

Mail For Blondes

A man was sitting on his porch reading the newspaper when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. She then came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is, my computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

Game of Intelligence

A blonde is sitting next to a lawyer on an aeroplane who keeps asking her to play a game of intelligence with him. Eventually she agrees when he offers $50 when he can't answer a question and requests $5 when she can't answer a question. The lawyer starts, "how far is it to the moon?" Immediately the blonde hands him $5. Then she asks, "what has 5 legs when sleeping and 10 when awake?" The lawyer thinks for a long time and eventually gives up and hands her $50. "What was the answer?" he asks. The blonde hands him $5 without a word.

Firing Squad

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in prison waiting to be executed by firing squad. The brunette is called to go first. She is standing outside and the captain is counting down, "three, two, one.." and she shouts "tsunami!" and all the soldiers look away and the brunette runs away. Then the redhead is called out. She is standing outside and the captain is counting down, "three, two, one.." and she shouts "tornado!" and all the soldiers look away and the red head escapes. Then the blonde is called out. She is thinking and the captain is counting down so she shouts "Fire!"

45, 45...

A blonde sees someone standing on the pavement saying "45, 45..." and asks if she can count with her. The person agrees and they both stand on the pavement saying "45, 45..." Then the person tells the blonde to go continue counting in the middle of the road. The blonde does so and a few seconds later gets hit by a car. "46, 46.." the person continues.

Blonde stuck on an island.

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are stuck on an island 100m from shore. They decide to try to swim to safety. The brunette swims first, gets 40m and gets eaten by a shark. Then the redhead swims, gets 70m and drowns. Finally, the blonde goes, gets 99m, feels tired and swims back.

Blonde Q&A

Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde who had a bumper sticker that said, "ALL BLONDES AREN'T DUMB?"
A: No one could read it because it was hung upside-down.

Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?
A: A visitor.

Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of accidents occur at the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

Q. How do you get a blonde to climb on the roof?
A. Tell her that the drinks are on the house.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q. What does a blonde and beer bottles have in common?
A. They're both empty from the neck up.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.

Q: Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.

Q:How do you keep a blonde busy?
A:Give them a piece of paper with Please Turn Over written on both sides.

Q:How do you make a blonde happy in their old age?
A:Tell them a joke now.

Blonde Tragedy

A boss of a company sees his blonde employee crying and goes up to her to ask what's wrong. She tells him, "I got a phone call this morning saying my mom died." He feels really sorry for her and tells her she can take the day off. "Thanks, but I would rather stay as it takes my mind off the incident." She replies. Later, he returns to find her crying again. "I just got a call from my sister." she tells him. "Her mom died too!"